Saturday, December 1, 2012
Mellow Again....
Oh God...those status updates is going to making me crazy..
Tiap momen penting kaya gini pasti bikin gw teringat lagi, kangen lagi dan akhirnya hari ini berhasil bikin gw mewek.
Gw gak tau apakah emosionalitas gw hanya disebabkan oleh hormon estrogen yang menguasai tubuh gw di tengah kehamilan gw, ataukah emang gw selalu seemosional ini saat sudah menyangkut hal itu..
I miss them..I miss it..I miss all the things I've been through in 3 and a half year saat gw kerja di sana. Memang, 2 tahun lalu gw pernah gak hadir di kegiatan ini karena gw lagi cuti melahirkan. Tapi ini rasanya beda. Ada sesuatu yang nyesek di hati gw.
Mungkin salah satu momen yang bikin gw kangen adalah kebersamaan gw dengan suami gw. Gw gak tau apakah di event semacam ini gw dan suami memang bisa dikasih kesempatan untuk nginep satu kamar apa ngga, yang jelas gw selalu diledekin sama si bos karena tiap tahun gak pernah berhasil nginep satu kamar.
Tahun pertama, gw dan suami belum nikah, cuma berselang satu bulan sebelum pernikahan gw. Tahun kedua, gw cuti melahirkan. Dan tahun ketiga, venuenya di tempat bercottage sehingga cewek dan cowok gak bisa disatuin dalam satu cottage. Alhasil, gw dan suami selama 3 taun berturut-turut cuma bisa gigit jari :p
Dan inilah taun keempat, dan gw sudah gak lagi jadi bagian dari mereka. Entah kenapa ada sesuatu yang menyakitkan di balik fakta itu.
Mungkin banyak yang mikir gw aneh, mikir gw bodoh, mikir gw terlalu cepat mengambil keputusan sehingga menyesal belakangan. Tapi ya sudahlah, pasti jalan ini yang terbaik yang harus gw ambil. Sayangnya, gw sendiri belum bisa menghadapi kenyataan ini.
Since I was a child, I was always looking for a confession. Gw selalu berusaha keras untuk mendapatkan hal itu. Tapi di sana, gw bisa mendapatkannya, effortlessly, at least itu menurut gw, karena apapun yang gw lakukan di sana, gw lakukan dengan sepenuh hati gw, dan atas kemauan gw sendiri. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup gw, gw bisa melakukan sesuatu yang bener-bener keluar dari hati gw. There's a lot of problem, conflict, though, tapi ya udahlah, itu semua bagian dari hidup.
Saat gw memutuskan buat hengkang (jyah hengkang :p) dari sana, gw yakin itu adalah keputusan yang terbaik yang memang harus gw ambil. Yang gw gak tau, keputusan itu meninggalkan bekas yang susah banget ilang di hati gw. Gw gak tau kalau gw sebegitunya "mencintai", entah pekerjaan gw, atau tempat gw bekerja.
Saat gw menceritakan hal ini ke suami gw, dan gw bertanya, gimana caranya gw bisa move on, dia cuma jawab "waktu yang bakalan menghilangkan semua perasaan itu". Ya gw tau, tapi berapa lama?
Gw gak tau kenapa semua ini segitunya mengganjal di hati gw. Apakah memang ada "unfinished business" yang akhirnya membuat kepergian gw menjadi sesuatu yang "unfinished" di hati gw.
Entahlah. Mungkin saat ini gw cuma bisa membiarkan waktu yang menghilangkan semua perasaan ini.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Nothing Can Replace
Suddenly it flashes through my eyes..July 2007.
5 Years ago. It was the first time I came there. With no idea at all what will happen. I just expect some amount of money, that was offered by one of us, and the only thing that matters to me at that time. We meet with a man, my guess aged at the end of twenties. He's very nice, friendly, open, and decent. He told us everything bad about that place. But ridiculously, the badness about that place was the most interesting thing that made us sure to did our internship there. In the middle of June, almost exactly 5 years ago. We started our internship there.
There is 5 of us, and I was the only one who offer myself to work on a different project at PPIC Department. Now I feel just like it was meant to be. On the first week of our internship, we stay in the plant dormitory, which was empty when we came. It exist at the second floor of the oldest dormitory, the biggest room that ever exist until now. We were given that room because we need big space for 5 of us.
That week, was the week when we get to know another people who also stayed there, and they was the nicest people I've ever met in my life. They're warm, cheerful, and accept us as if they have known us for long time. I fell in love to that place at the first day I stay there.
Then time goes, we moved to office dormitory in Jakarta on the 2nd week. But we just get more amazing times, met more amazing people.
There is 2 person who became our tutor there. The one is the PPIC Manager (at least it was his title at that time), the only Industrial Engineer there, and the other is the Operation Manager which is also the son of the company owner. Both of them were very nice, open minded, accepting, and appreciate our opinion and advice, although we were still undergraduate student that only know theory. And so did we, we see that place as a place to grow, to explore our "theory" and make them reality. The managers, which is the sons of the owner, they were humble, down to earth, love to share things with an intern like us. That's why at that time, we admire this place, and all in it, so much.
Those things brings me back to that place for my final project. And that time, my destiny begins. I (maybe accidentally) was offered to work there, even when my final project still a proposal. Imagine how lucky I am. I offered, whithout any condition applied.
Regarding my family's economic condition that time, there is no reason for me to not accept this job. I need it, and they need me. It's a win-win condition. I started to work on 15th of July, 2008. A year after my internship.
First month of my work life was not easy at all. I was sorrounded by negative people, with their negative talks. They talk crap about work, undeserved payment, lousy system, awful boss, which none of their talk I trusted. I have my own opinion about this place, i have a different mindset with them, so why should i listen to them? They would leave soon anyway, cause all of them have send their resignation letter, no long before i came.
I believe with the person who gave me job, who has helped me with my final project. He's been good to me all this time, and there is no reason for me to not trust him, at all. Even the negative people underestimated me for the job that I will responsible at, and said that the former PIC was very smart and even she can did it right. But i keep going, no matter what. With the scenario that has given to me in the job offer. 3 years passed, people comes and goes, including 2 my college mates that has found their own path at another place.
In that 3 years, me with my friend who also did our internship there, together with the Operation Manager, build the supply chain management, fix the inventory system, scheduling system, delivery system, and all related to Supply Chain Management. We held meeting almost everyday. Debating our opinion, explore our idea even the craziest. Through that time, we have became friends, or even family, more than just some co-worker or superior-subordinates, who give and do the instruction. We do it with passion, because we were so happy to do that, and there is no such things more exciting than seeing our work shows the good result and make the company grow bigger.
Until that time, May 2012, I was transferred to another department which before was held by my senior at college. Out of my expectation, few months after I was transferred, also as the effect of the resignment of one of a Department Head, there is some change in supply chain structure, and i was given more trust to handle more responsibilities, almost the same as 3 half of Departments collide together. But with the transfer of the other department's staff to my departments, I accept that responsibilities.
Time goes by, new people came, make me more excited with my job. Even everyday things gets harder, but my love to that place, and that job, keeps me wake in the morning to go to work again. But things are not as smooth as we thought. Things happened. The fantastic growth of this place has become a two bladed sword for me. Me, who was never believed to whatever people say about the executive, who always believed about the goodness of this family, finally see what happens when we seen as a troublemaker.
I feel judged. I don't have time, or opportunity to explain what is actually happened. I feel betrayed, for the first time, by persons who i always seen as a family. We're all in this together. All i wish that tome that someone will stood up for me, because the pressure was too high, and the power was too strong. But all I sees that time just pressure, intimidation, blames, and nothing I have done was seen as something good.
That's why I choose to leave, because I can't see any chance of thing could be better between me and them, and that was no good, for me and for them.
But now, I miss all of it. I miss those things so much. When I left, I feel I have left a half of myself there. At that place, i believe in my self. At that place, i found people who believed in me. At that place too, I found the love of my life. I found friends I have never found for most years in my life. Even I was there only for 4 years, I can say, a half of my life happens there. And nothing can replace.
(Written at July, 2012)
5 Years ago. It was the first time I came there. With no idea at all what will happen. I just expect some amount of money, that was offered by one of us, and the only thing that matters to me at that time. We meet with a man, my guess aged at the end of twenties. He's very nice, friendly, open, and decent. He told us everything bad about that place. But ridiculously, the badness about that place was the most interesting thing that made us sure to did our internship there. In the middle of June, almost exactly 5 years ago. We started our internship there.
There is 5 of us, and I was the only one who offer myself to work on a different project at PPIC Department. Now I feel just like it was meant to be. On the first week of our internship, we stay in the plant dormitory, which was empty when we came. It exist at the second floor of the oldest dormitory, the biggest room that ever exist until now. We were given that room because we need big space for 5 of us.
That week, was the week when we get to know another people who also stayed there, and they was the nicest people I've ever met in my life. They're warm, cheerful, and accept us as if they have known us for long time. I fell in love to that place at the first day I stay there.
Then time goes, we moved to office dormitory in Jakarta on the 2nd week. But we just get more amazing times, met more amazing people.
There is 2 person who became our tutor there. The one is the PPIC Manager (at least it was his title at that time), the only Industrial Engineer there, and the other is the Operation Manager which is also the son of the company owner. Both of them were very nice, open minded, accepting, and appreciate our opinion and advice, although we were still undergraduate student that only know theory. And so did we, we see that place as a place to grow, to explore our "theory" and make them reality. The managers, which is the sons of the owner, they were humble, down to earth, love to share things with an intern like us. That's why at that time, we admire this place, and all in it, so much.
Those things brings me back to that place for my final project. And that time, my destiny begins. I (maybe accidentally) was offered to work there, even when my final project still a proposal. Imagine how lucky I am. I offered, whithout any condition applied.
Regarding my family's economic condition that time, there is no reason for me to not accept this job. I need it, and they need me. It's a win-win condition. I started to work on 15th of July, 2008. A year after my internship.
First month of my work life was not easy at all. I was sorrounded by negative people, with their negative talks. They talk crap about work, undeserved payment, lousy system, awful boss, which none of their talk I trusted. I have my own opinion about this place, i have a different mindset with them, so why should i listen to them? They would leave soon anyway, cause all of them have send their resignation letter, no long before i came.
I believe with the person who gave me job, who has helped me with my final project. He's been good to me all this time, and there is no reason for me to not trust him, at all. Even the negative people underestimated me for the job that I will responsible at, and said that the former PIC was very smart and even she can did it right. But i keep going, no matter what. With the scenario that has given to me in the job offer. 3 years passed, people comes and goes, including 2 my college mates that has found their own path at another place.
In that 3 years, me with my friend who also did our internship there, together with the Operation Manager, build the supply chain management, fix the inventory system, scheduling system, delivery system, and all related to Supply Chain Management. We held meeting almost everyday. Debating our opinion, explore our idea even the craziest. Through that time, we have became friends, or even family, more than just some co-worker or superior-subordinates, who give and do the instruction. We do it with passion, because we were so happy to do that, and there is no such things more exciting than seeing our work shows the good result and make the company grow bigger.
Until that time, May 2012, I was transferred to another department which before was held by my senior at college. Out of my expectation, few months after I was transferred, also as the effect of the resignment of one of a Department Head, there is some change in supply chain structure, and i was given more trust to handle more responsibilities, almost the same as 3 half of Departments collide together. But with the transfer of the other department's staff to my departments, I accept that responsibilities.
Time goes by, new people came, make me more excited with my job. Even everyday things gets harder, but my love to that place, and that job, keeps me wake in the morning to go to work again. But things are not as smooth as we thought. Things happened. The fantastic growth of this place has become a two bladed sword for me. Me, who was never believed to whatever people say about the executive, who always believed about the goodness of this family, finally see what happens when we seen as a troublemaker.
I feel judged. I don't have time, or opportunity to explain what is actually happened. I feel betrayed, for the first time, by persons who i always seen as a family. We're all in this together. All i wish that tome that someone will stood up for me, because the pressure was too high, and the power was too strong. But all I sees that time just pressure, intimidation, blames, and nothing I have done was seen as something good.
That's why I choose to leave, because I can't see any chance of thing could be better between me and them, and that was no good, for me and for them.
But now, I miss all of it. I miss those things so much. When I left, I feel I have left a half of myself there. At that place, i believe in my self. At that place, i found people who believed in me. At that place too, I found the love of my life. I found friends I have never found for most years in my life. Even I was there only for 4 years, I can say, a half of my life happens there. And nothing can replace.
(Written at July, 2012)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Rest In Peace, D...
Last night was the third dream when he came to see me. Tonight was his worst look ever, though :)
He came in a motorcycle with a girl in the same messy look at him. I was surprised, can't believe i can ever see his face again.
I ask him, almost hysterically, "D, is it really you?". He answered, "Of course, who do you think this is" still with his charming smile even in his messiest look.
I hug him, spontaneously, and he hold me back, touch my hair, calming me. I asked him how could all of this happened. He say I would never imagine how mess he is now, and he broke. I asked him to tell me, but all he said just the story was too long.
And at that time, my husband, in reality, came and wake me up from this super weird dream.
It realizes me..that I maybe haven't really letting him go yet. And now I have a husband, whom I really love, and didn't want his wife to still remembering her dead-ex-someoneyoudontknowhowtomention.
I have to let you go now, so you can rest in more peace. I know u're okay there, D.. It's enough to came see me cause I'm happy now..living with my husband I love and a little hero by my side. Maybe our children can continue our friendship in the future :)
I love you D..as a friend. Now, and forever..
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