Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless.Most people associate PTSD with battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the most common cause in men—but any overwhelming life experience can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable.Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards, including emergency workers and law enforcement officers. It can even occur in the friends or family members of those who went through the actual trauma.PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.

The difference between PTSD and a normal response to trauma

The traumatic events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder are usually so overwhelming and frightening that they would upset anyone. Following a traumatic event, almost everyone experiences at least some of the symptoms of PTSD. When your sense of safety and trust are shattered, it’s normal to feel crazy, disconnected, or numb. It’s very common to have bad dreams, feel fearful, and find it difficult to stop thinking about what happened. These are normal reactions to abnormal events.For most people, however, these symptoms are short-lived. They may last for several days or even weeks, but they gradually lift. But if you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease. You don’t feel a little better each day. In fact, you may start to feel worse.

A normal response to trauma becomes PTSD when you become stuck

After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions.

Signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

The symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can arise suddenly, gradually, or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds you of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell. While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:Re-experiencing the traumatic eventAvoiding reminders of the traumaIncreased anxiety and emotional arousal

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

Intrusive, upsetting memories of the eventFlashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the traumaIntense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing

Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the traumaInability to remember important aspects of the traumaLoss of interest in activities and life in generalFeeling detached from others and emotionally numbSense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)

Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

Difficulty falling or staying asleepIrritability or outbursts of angerDifficulty concentratingHypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)Feeling jumpy and easily startled

Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Anger and irritabilityGuilt, shame, or self-blameSubstance abuseFeelings of mistrust and betrayalDepression and hopelessnessSuicidal thoughts and feelingsFeeling alienated and alonePhysical aches and pains

Symptoms of PTSD in children and adolescents

In children—especially those who are very young—the symptoms of PTSD can be different than the symptoms in adults. Symptoms in children include:Fear of being separated from parentLosing previously-acquired skills (such as toilet training)Sleep problems and nightmares without recognizable contentSomber, compulsive play in which themes or aspects of the trauma are repeatedNew phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of monsters)Acting out the trauma through play, stories, or drawingsAches and pains with no apparent causeIrritability and aggression

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) causes and risk factors

While it’s impossible to predict who will develop PTSD in response to trauma, there are certain risk factors that increase your vulnerability.Many risk factors revolve around the nature of the traumatic event itself. Traumatic events are more likely to cause PTSD when they involve a severe threat to your life or personal safety: the more extreme and prolonged the threat, the greater the risk of developing PTSD in response. Intentional, human-inflicted harm—such as rape, assault, and torture— also tends to be more traumatic than “acts of God” or more impersonal accidents and disasters. The extent to which the traumatic event was unexpected, uncontrollable, and inescapable also plays a role.

Other risk factors for PTSD include:

Previous traumatic experiences, especially in early lifeFamily history of PTSD or depressionHistory of physical or sexual abuseHistory of substance abuseHistory of depression, anxiety, or another mental illnessHigh level of stress in everyday lifeLack of support after the traumaLack of coping skills

Getting help for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

If you suspect that you or a loved one has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it’s important to seek help right away. The sooner PTSD is confronted, the easier it is to overcome. If you’re reluctant to seek help, keep in mind that PTSD is not a sign of weakness, and the only way to overcome it is to confront what happened to you and learn to accept it as a part of your past. This process is much easier with the guidance and support of an experienced therapist or doctor.It’s only natural to want to avoid painful memories and feelings. But if you try to numb yourself and push your memories away, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) will only get worse. You can’t escape your emotions completely—they emerge under stress or whenever you let down your guard—and trying to do so is exhausting. The avoidance will ultimately harm your relationships, your ability to function, and the quality of your life.

Why Should I Seek Help for PTSD?

Early treatment is better. Symptoms of PTSD may get worse. Dealing with them now might help stop them from getting worse in the future. Finding out more about what treatments work, where to look for help, and what kind of questions to ask can make it easier to get help and lead to better outcomes.PTSD symptoms can change family life. PTSD symptoms can get in the way of your family life. You may find that you pull away from loved ones, are not able to get along with people, or that you are angry or even violent. Getting help for your PTSD can help improve your family life.PTSD can be related to other health problems. PTSD symptoms can make physical health problems worse. For example, studies have shown a relationship between PTSD and heart trouble. By getting help for your PTSD you could also improve your physical health.Source: National Center for PTSD

Treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Treatment for PTSD relieves symptoms by helping you deal with the trauma you’ve experienced. Rather than avoiding the trauma and any reminder of it, treatment will encourage you to recall and process the emotions and sensations you felt during the original event. In addition to offering an outlet for emotions you’ve been bottling up, treatment for PTSD will also help restore your sense of control and reduce the powerful hold the memory of the trauma has on your life.In treatment for PTSD, you’ll:Explore your thoughts and feelings about the traumaWork through feelings of guilt, self-blame, and mistrustLearn how to cope with and control intrusive memoriesAddress problems PTSD has caused in your life and relationships

Types of treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy for PTSD and trauma involves carefully and gradually “exposing” yourself to thoughts, feelings, and situations that remind you of the trauma. Therapy also involves identifying upsetting thoughts about the traumatic event–particularly thoughts that are distorted and irrational—and replacing them with more balanced picture.Family therapy. Since PTSD affects both you and those close to you, family therapy can be especially productive. Family therapy can help your loved ones understand what you’re going through. It can also help everyone in the family communicate better and work through relationship problems caused by PTSD symptoms.Medication is sometimes prescribed to people with PTSD to relieve secondary symptoms of depression or anxiety. Antidepressants such as Prozac and Zoloft are the medications most commonly used for PTSD. While antidepressants may help you feel less sad, worried, or on edge, they do not treat the causes of PTSD.EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation, such as hand taps or sounds. Eye movements and other bilateral forms of stimulation are thought to work by “unfreezing” the brain’s information processing system, which is interrupted in times of extreme stress.

Finding a therapist for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

When looking for a therapist for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), seek out mental health professionals who specialize in the treatment of trauma and PTSD. You can start by asking your doctor if he or she can provide a referral to therapists with experience treating trauma. You may also want to ask other trauma survivors for recommendations, or call a local mental health clinic, psychiatric hospital, or counseling center.

Recovery from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a gradual, ongoing process. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, nor do the memories of the trauma ever disappear completely. This can make life seem difficult at times. But there are many things you can do to cope with residual symptoms and reduce your anxiety and fear.

PTSD self-help tip 1: Reach out to others for support

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can make you feel disconnected from others. You may be tempted to withdraw from social activities and your loved ones. But it’s important to stay connected to life and the people who care about you. Support from other people is vital to your recovery from PTSD, so ask your close friends and family members for their help during this tough time.Also consider joining a support group for survivors of the same type of trauma you experienced. Support groups for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can help you feel less isolated and alone. They also provide invaluable information on how to cope with symptoms and work towards recovery. If you can’t find a support group in your area, look for an online group.

PTSD self-help tip 2: Avoid alcohol and drugs

When you’re struggling with difficult emotions and traumatic memories, you may be tempted to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. But while alcohol or drugs may temporarily make you feel better, they make post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) worse in the long run. Substance use worsens many symptoms of PTSD, including emotional numbing, social isolation, anger, and depression. It also interferes with treatment and can add to problems at home and in your relationships.

PTSD self-help tip 3: Challenge your sense of helplessness

Overcoming your sense of helplessness is key to overcoming post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Trauma leaves you feeling powerless and vulnerable. It’s important to remind yourself that you have strengths and coping skills that can get you through tough times.One of the best ways to reclaim your sense of power is by helping others: volunteer your time, give blood, reach out to a friend in need, or donate to your favorite charity. Taking positive action directly challenges the sense of helplessness that is a common symptom of PTSD.

Positive ways of coping with PTSD:

Learn about trauma and PTSDJoin a PTSD support groupPractice relaxation techniquesPursue outdoor activitiesConfide in a person you trustSpend time with positive peopleAvoid alcohol and drugsEnjoy the peace of nature

PTSD self-help tip 4: Spend time in nature

The Sierra Club in the United States offers wilderness expeditions for veterans who have served in recent wars such as Iraq and Afghanistan. Anecdotal evidence suggests that pursuing outdoor activities like hiking, camping, mountain biking, rock climbing, whitewater rafting, and skiing may help veterans cope with PTSD symptoms and transition back into civilian life.It’s not just veterans who can benefit from spending time outdoors. Anyone with post-traumatic stress disorder can benefit from the relaxation, seclusion, and peace that come with being in the natural world. Focusing on strenuous outdoor activities can also help challenge your sense of helplessness and help your nervous system become “unstuck” and move on from the traumatic event. Seek out local organizations that offer outdoor recreation or teambuilding opportunities.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the family

If a loved one has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it’s essential that you take care of yourself and get extra support. PTSD can take a heavy toll on the family if you let it. It can be hard to understand why your loved one won’t open up to you—why he or she is less affectionate and more volatile. The symptoms of PTSD can also result in job loss, substance abuse, and other stressful problems.Letting your family member’s PTSD dominate your life while ignoring your own needs is a surefire recipe for burnout. In order to take care of your loved one, you first need to take care of yourself. It’s also helpful to learn all you can about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The more you know about the symptoms and treatment options, the better equipped you'll be to help your loved one and keep things in perspective.

Helping a loved one with PTSD

Be patient and understanding. Getting better takes time, even when a person is committed to treatment for PTSD. Be patient with the pace of recovery and offer a sympathetic ear. A person with PTSD may need to talk about the traumatic event over and over again. This is part of the healing process, so avoid the temptation to tell your loved one to stop rehashing the past and move on.Try to anticipate and prepare for PTSD triggers. Common triggers include anniversary dates; people or places associated with the trauma; and certain sights, sounds, or smells. If you are aware of what triggers may cause an upsetting reaction, you’ll be in a better position to offer your support and help your loved one calm down.Don’t take the symptoms of PTSD personally. Common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) include emotional numbness, anger, and withdrawal. If your loved one seems distant, irritable, or closed off, remember that this may not have anything to do with you or your relationship.Don’t pressure your loved one into talking. It is very difficult for people with PTSD to talk about their traumatic experiences. For some, it can even make things worse. Never try to force your loved one to open up. Let the person know, however, that you’re there when and if he or she wants to talk.

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Is It Not My "Specialty"?

Minggu lalu, saya nonton episode terbaru Greys Anatomy. Ada hal yang menarik di sana. Salah satu dokter intern di situ punya minat yang besar sama neuro, tapi ternyata attending (bisa dibilang mentor)-nya menilai ada dokter lain yang lebih berbakat dari dia dan dia sebaiknya cari specialty  lain dimana dia bisa lebih bersinar. Si attending bilang dia harus berusaha keras buat bisa fit di neuro sedangkan si dokter lain ini ngga. Si intern bersikeras dengan bilang bahwa yang penting adalah saat itu dia sudah bisa masuk ke specialty itu, siapa peduli gimana caranya. Tapi si attending bilang, berarti neuro memang bukan bidangnya.

Lately saya mengalami hal yang cukup mirip. Tepat sebulan yang lalu saya melahirkan anak saya yang kedua. Semenjak belum hamil pun, saya sudah bertekad pada anak kedua saya, saya akan lebih banyak memerah ASI dibanding waktu anak saya yang pertama. Buat mengantisipasi hal-hal yang tidak diinginkan, saya membekali diri dengan sebanyak-banyaknya pengetahuan sebelum melahirkan.

Tapi pada kenyataannya, semenjak melahirkan, hasil pompa ASI saya gak pernah lebih dari 80 ml sekali pompa. Walaupun saya sudah coba untuk disiplin pumping, tetep aja gak pernah melebihi jumlah itu.

Sedangkan saya baca, ada beberapa perempuan, yang effortlessly semenjak lahiran bisa mompa sekitar setengah liter per kali pompanya.

Saya jadi mikir, apakah memang pumping ASI bukan specialty saya? Ya, saya tau dengan berbagai teori produksi ASI yang pernah saya baca, apa penyebab ASI perahan saya tidak sebanyak mereka yang saya sebut di atas, tapi di luar semua itu, apakah memang itu bukan "bagian" saya? Yang berusaha keras tapi hasilnya belum sebanyak mereka tapi mereka secara effortless bisa mencapai apa yang diinginkan oleh semua ibu di dunia.

Wallahu 'alam :)

Mellow Again....

Oh God...those status updates is going to making me crazy..

Tiap momen penting kaya gini pasti bikin gw teringat lagi, kangen lagi dan akhirnya hari ini berhasil bikin gw mewek.

Gw gak tau apakah emosionalitas gw hanya disebabkan oleh hormon estrogen yang menguasai tubuh gw di tengah kehamilan gw, ataukah emang gw selalu seemosional ini saat sudah menyangkut hal itu..

I miss them..I miss it..I miss all the things I've been through in 3 and a half year saat gw kerja di sana. Memang, 2 tahun lalu gw pernah gak hadir di kegiatan ini karena gw lagi cuti melahirkan. Tapi ini rasanya beda. Ada sesuatu yang nyesek di hati gw.

Mungkin salah satu momen yang bikin gw kangen adalah kebersamaan gw dengan suami gw. Gw gak tau apakah di event semacam ini gw dan suami memang bisa dikasih kesempatan untuk nginep satu kamar apa ngga, yang jelas gw selalu diledekin sama si bos karena tiap tahun gak pernah berhasil nginep satu kamar.

Tahun pertama, gw dan suami belum nikah, cuma berselang satu bulan sebelum pernikahan gw. Tahun kedua, gw cuti melahirkan. Dan tahun ketiga, venuenya di tempat bercottage sehingga cewek dan cowok gak bisa disatuin dalam satu cottage. Alhasil, gw dan suami selama 3 taun berturut-turut cuma bisa gigit jari :p

Dan inilah taun keempat, dan gw sudah gak lagi jadi bagian dari mereka. Entah kenapa ada sesuatu yang menyakitkan di balik fakta itu.

Mungkin banyak yang mikir gw aneh, mikir gw bodoh, mikir gw terlalu cepat mengambil keputusan sehingga menyesal belakangan. Tapi ya sudahlah, pasti jalan ini yang terbaik yang harus gw ambil. Sayangnya, gw sendiri belum bisa menghadapi kenyataan ini.

Since I was a child, I was always looking for a confession. Gw selalu berusaha keras untuk mendapatkan hal itu. Tapi di sana, gw bisa mendapatkannya, effortlessly, at least itu menurut gw, karena apapun yang gw lakukan di sana, gw lakukan dengan sepenuh hati gw, dan atas kemauan gw sendiri. Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup gw, gw bisa melakukan sesuatu yang bener-bener keluar dari hati gw. There's a lot of problem, conflict, though, tapi ya udahlah, itu semua bagian dari hidup.

Saat gw memutuskan buat hengkang (jyah hengkang :p) dari sana, gw yakin itu adalah keputusan yang terbaik yang memang harus gw ambil. Yang gw gak tau, keputusan itu meninggalkan bekas yang susah banget ilang di hati gw. Gw gak tau kalau gw sebegitunya "mencintai", entah pekerjaan gw, atau tempat gw bekerja.

Saat gw menceritakan hal ini ke suami gw, dan gw bertanya, gimana caranya gw bisa move on, dia cuma jawab "waktu yang bakalan menghilangkan semua perasaan itu". Ya gw tau, tapi berapa lama?

Gw gak tau kenapa semua ini segitunya mengganjal di hati gw. Apakah memang ada "unfinished business" yang akhirnya membuat kepergian gw menjadi sesuatu yang "unfinished" di hati gw.

Entahlah. Mungkin saat ini gw cuma bisa membiarkan waktu yang menghilangkan semua perasaan ini.

Nothing Can Replace

Suddenly it flashes through my eyes..July 2007.

5 Years ago. It was the first time I came there. With no idea at all what will happen. I just expect some amount of money, that was offered by one of us, and the only thing that matters to me at that time.   We meet with a man, my guess aged at the end of twenties. He's very nice, friendly, open, and decent. He told us everything bad about that place. But ridiculously, the badness about that place was the most interesting thing that made us sure to did our internship there.   In the middle of June, almost exactly 5 years ago. We started our internship there.

There is 5 of us, and I was the only one who offer myself to work on a different project at PPIC Department. Now I feel just like it was meant to be. On the first week of our internship, we stay in the plant dormitory, which was empty when we came. It exist at the second floor of the oldest dormitory, the biggest room that ever exist until now. We were given that room because we need big space for 5 of us.

That week, was the week when we get to know another people who also stayed there, and they was the nicest people I've ever met in my life. They're warm, cheerful, and accept us as if they have known us for long time. I fell in love to that place at the first day I stay there.  

Then time goes, we moved to office dormitory in Jakarta on the 2nd week. But we just get more amazing times, met more amazing people.  

There is 2 person who became our tutor there. The one is the PPIC Manager (at least it was his title at that time), the only Industrial Engineer there, and the other is the Operation Manager which is also the son of the company owner. Both of them were very nice, open minded, accepting, and appreciate our opinion and advice, although we were still undergraduate student that only know theory. And so did we, we see that place as a place to grow, to explore our "theory" and make them reality. The managers, which is the sons of the owner, they were humble, down to earth, love to share things with an intern like us. That's why at that time, we admire this place, and all in it, so much.  

Those things brings me back to that place for my final project. And that time, my destiny begins. I (maybe accidentally) was offered to work there, even when my final project still a proposal. Imagine how lucky I am. I offered, whithout any condition applied.  

Regarding my family's economic condition that time, there is no reason for me to not accept this job. I need it, and they need me. It's a win-win condition. I started to work on 15th of July, 2008. A year after my internship.  

First month of my work life was not easy at all. I was sorrounded by negative people, with their negative talks. They talk crap about work, undeserved payment, lousy system, awful boss, which none of their talk I trusted. I have my own opinion about this place, i have a different mindset with them, so why should i listen to them? They would leave soon anyway, cause all of them have send their resignation letter, no long before i came.  

I believe with the person who gave me job, who has helped me with my final project. He's been good to me all this time, and there is no reason for me to not trust him, at all.   Even the negative people underestimated me for the job that I will responsible at, and said that the former PIC was very smart and even she can did it right. But i keep going, no matter what. With the scenario that has given to me in the job offer. 3 years passed, people comes and goes, including 2 my college mates that has found their own path at another place.  

In that 3 years, me with my friend who also did our internship there, together with the Operation Manager, build the supply chain management, fix the inventory system, scheduling system, delivery system, and all related to Supply Chain Management. We held meeting almost everyday. Debating our opinion, explore our idea even the craziest. Through that time, we have became friends, or even family, more than just some co-worker or superior-subordinates, who give and do the instruction. We do it with passion, because we were so happy to do that, and there is no such things more exciting than seeing our work shows the good result and make the company grow bigger.  

Until that time, May 2012, I was transferred to another department which before was held by my senior at college. Out of my expectation, few months after I was transferred, also as the effect of the resignment of one of a Department Head, there is some change in supply chain structure, and i was given more trust to handle more responsibilities, almost the same as 3 half of Departments collide together. But with the transfer of the other department's staff to my departments, I accept that responsibilities.  

Time goes by, new people came, make me more excited with my job. Even everyday things gets harder, but my love to that place, and that job, keeps me wake in the morning to go to work again.   But things are not as smooth as we thought. Things happened. The fantastic growth of this place has become a two bladed sword for me. Me, who was never believed to whatever people say about the executive, who always believed about the goodness of this family, finally see what happens when we seen as a troublemaker.  

I feel judged. I don't have time, or opportunity to explain what is actually happened. I feel betrayed, for the first time, by persons who i always seen as a family. We're all in this together. All i wish that tome that someone will stood up for me, because the pressure was too high, and the power was too strong. But all I sees that time just pressure, intimidation, blames, and nothing I have done was seen as something good.  

That's why I choose to leave, because I can't see any chance of thing could be better between me and them, and that was no good, for me and for them.  

But now, I miss all of it. I miss those things so much. When I left, I feel I have left a half of myself there.   At that place, i believe in my self. At that place, i found people who believed in me. At that place too, I found the love of my life. I found friends I have never found for most years in my life.   Even I was there only for 4 years, I can say, a half of my life happens there. And nothing can replace.

(Written at July, 2012)

Rest In Peace, D...

Last  night was the third dream when he came to see me. Tonight was his worst look ever, though :)

He came in a motorcycle with a girl in the same messy look at him. I was surprised, can't believe i can ever see his face again.

I ask him, almost hysterically, "D, is it really you?". He answered, "Of course, who do you think this is" still with his charming smile even in his messiest look.

I hug him, spontaneously, and he hold me back, touch my hair, calming me. I asked him how could all of this happened. He say I would never imagine how mess he is now, and he broke. I asked him to tell me, but all he said just the story was too long.

And at that time, my husband, in reality, came and wake me up from this super weird dream.

It realizes me..that I maybe haven't really letting him go yet. And now I have a husband, whom I really love, and didn't want his wife to still remembering her dead-ex-someoneyoudontknowhowtomention.

I have to let you go now, so you can rest in more peace. I know u're okay there, D.. It's enough to came see me cause I'm happy now..living with my husband I love and a little hero by my side. Maybe our children can continue our friendship in the future :)

I love you D..as a friend. Now, and forever..

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Berbahagialah,,,

Beberapa jam sebelum angka umur saya bertambah satu..ditemani si kecil yang sedang tertidur lelap, sementara suami sedang asik test drive mobil yang baru rampung diservis.

Malam ini malam Nuzulul Quran, ah..si ima ini..bukannya shalat tarawih dan tadarus..malah sibuk berkutat dengan internet dan berbagai jejaring sosialnya..berpindah-pindah dari laptop ke Blackberry. Dengan dalih menunggu si Abang untuk shalat tarawih berjamaah, saya "kabur" ke laptop saja :)

Saya bingung, tidak tahu sedang dimana Allah menempatkan saya. Bagaimana saya harus berbuat, dan membuat saya meragukan pilihan-pilihan yang telah saya buat.

Saya sudah lama menunggu untuk sebuah titik ini dalam kehidupan saya. Setelah selama ini begitu banyak yang terjadi, kesedihan yang sudah saya coba nikmati sendirian, Allah akhirnya mengirimkan kedua pria ini ke dalam hidup saya. Membuat saya merasa punya arti untuk ada di sini.

Tapi justru di titik itu, lagi-lagi ujian lain muncul. Membuat saya meragukan kebenaran atas pilihan-pilihan hidup yang telah saya ambil dalam 3 tahun terakhir ini. Saya membuat pilihan, yang saya tahu resikonya. Saya tidak pernah mengeluhkan apapun tentang konsekuensinya. Karena saya tahu, inilah pilihan saya dan saya akan menanggung konsekuensi apapun yang harus saya jalani.

Dan sekarang saya bertanya-tanya, salahkah semua pilihan yang telah saya buat? Saya bahagia dengan ini semua, finally. Saya hanya ingin orang-orang yang saya sayangi, sebagian alasan yang membuat saya memilih beberapa pilihan itu, ikut bahagia untuk saya. Hanya itu saja.
Saya tidak minta mereka meringankan beban saya. Saya tidak minta mereka melakukan apa-apa untuk saya. Hanya, berbahagialah untuk saya.

Itu saja.

Dan itu akan lebih dari cukup.

Cukup sebagai hadiah ulang tahun saya yang ke-24 ini.

Saya tidak minta kado apapun,,

Saya tidak minta mereka hadir di sini..

Karena mengetahui mereka berbahagia untuk saya,,sungguhlah lebih dari sekedar cukup..

Ah..saya rindu Allah..

*beranjak ke kamar mandi dan mengambil air wudhu..